The year is 2050. Human induced climate change has made the earth a lot less habitable for humans who spiralled into anarchy, war and a complete breakdown of civilisation.
Billions were wiped out by new pathogens thriving in a warmer Earth. All human systems of government, resource management and transport infrastructure have broken down completely (just as the preppers predicted).
In Australia, a few hundred thousand humans led by the former political Teals, Greens and progressive Independents saw the writing on the wall and set up bubble communities in secret locations back in 2040. There they live peacefully in gated, temperature-controlled communities where renewable energy powers everything. There’s enough housing for everyone inside the bubble because they don’t let climate deniers in, no matter how much they moan and beg and bang on the bubble walls. Preppers are left outside the bubble to fend for themselves, so all that preparation does not go to waste.
The world leaders who abdicated their authority to prevent climate change and the conspiracy theorists who argued it was all made up, are not on earth anymore. There’s a special place in hell for them where they are strapped to chairs and forced to watch TV shows about ‘woke’ cultural leaders, which means they have to listen to Bob Brown, Bernie Sanders and Jane Fonda all day. They really should have listened to them the first time. Handily, the devil already made hell super-hot at a toasty 50 degrees Celsius, bone dry and largely on fire so it was pretty much ready for the world leaders to move right in.
Meanwhile back on earth there are a few million feral humans roaming Australia led by the winners of the Alone, Bear Grylls and Survivor TV shows. These feral humans who don’t wish to live in the bubble communities live on wild fish, possum and kangaroo and have no cars, power, internet, phones, or screens of any kind. This takes some of the fun out of their survivalism.
Dogs have taken over the world, including Australia. Their natural pack mentality, ability to not wage war with each other over imaginary friends and fossil fuels and cheerfully tolerate extreme weather gave them the power to subjugate humans and run post-apocalyptic Australia.
The most habitable parts of the country (Tasmania, The Snowy Mountains and the ACT) are occupied by the dogs. The leaders of the pack turned national Parliament House into a gigantic kennel with lots of blankies and rubber balls. They call it Poochament House.
For the first few years after society broke down, the dogs survived by eating the dead politicians. (They were not killed. They just had no practical skills and were completely helpless after civilisation broke down, so they died of hunger and thirst).
Within the halls of Poochament House, the dogs have organised themselves according to their traits and temperaments.
- The Kelpies are the top dogs (obviously) and calmly, quietly maintain order. Except when they really need a walk and totally lose their shit until someone lets them out.
- The Border Collies are the deputies running around making sure everyone obeys rules, gets let out when they need it and are mustered in an orderly fashion at voting times. The Collies manage Poochamentary Business.
- The Poodles hold daily media conferences where they bark out slick one-liners.
- The Jack Russells zoom around barking at the other dogs ‘Hey! What’s your name! Fuck you asshole!’ and generally freaking out. They are also very good at sniffing out rats in the ranks.
- The Labradors stagger around drooling and knocking things over with their tails and being adorable.
- Designer dogs like Pugs, Cavoodles, English and French bulldogs, Corgis and Dachshunds are mostly decorative. They are quite charming so good for morale.
- Dingoes are the bad asses obeying nobody’s rules. They roam Australia freely, minding their own business just as they’ve always done and enjoying their new status as native animals that can no longer be legally culled.
- The Shih Tzus are used as a kind of microfibre cleaning cloth.
- Dobermans cover security while looking smoking hot and making sure no other dogs find out they are actually scared of leaves.
- St Bernards run the bars as they are sensitive, calm and loving and listen patiently to all the other dogs’ problems.
- Blue Heelers are in charge of recreation (fun and playing) which is viewed as very important in Poochament House. Their Team Leader, Bluey, is extremely popular with all the breeds and seen as a potential future leader.
- The Afghan Hounds take care of any incense that needs lighting.
So what’s it like when dogs rule the world? Actually, it’s pretty awesome. There’s no fuel stations or cars and all the dogs and humans walk or ride bicycles or horses everywhere. There’s no pollution (other than a lot of dog hair and poo). All beaches are now dog beaches.
The male dogs get to keep their testicles and all puppies are immunised for heartworm and distemper.
In Poochament House, the Members’ Bar still operates, though the menu has changed quite a bit. Dogs are teetotal but they enjoy mocktails with cheeky names like ‘My own vomit’ and ‘Pungent pavement poo’ and ‘Another dog’s asshole on the beach’.
Dogs are famously shit scared of their own reflections so there are no mirrors in Poochament house. This means there is very little vanity. The downside is that a lot of dogs have no idea they are walking around with their ears turned inside out.
For sport, the dogs slide around on all the polished hardwood floors. They stage gladiatorial competitions where the fittest, bravest dogs valiantly attack vacuum cleaners. It’s a classless, socialist type system where every dog drinks from the same toilet, regardless of breed.
The cats aren’t too happy about dogs ruling the world but hey what are they gonna do? They know they are way smarter than dogs but world domination sounds exhausting. The felines lie around on high vantage points smoking cigarillos, surveying the now chaotic world and laughing cynically about how they knew humans were stupid. They occupy the abandoned human houses where they spend their days and nights eating small marsupials, lovemaking and just being. They do miss the milk though.
The dogs leave the cats alone, because the cats were never really much fun. So up themselves and touchy! Who needs those precious felines when dogs are naturally Zen Masters? Dogs know how to live in the moment, enjoy and be grateful for every dead human they gobble, every vacuum cleaner they attack and every dog’s butt they sniff for vintage, terroir and notes of anal gland.
The dogs don’t live for the humans anymore. The dogs are running the show and having the time of their lives. Until the tinned dog food runs out.
It might get a little bit Hunger Games for the feral humans after that.
CARTOON of dog in armchair at top of story by Matt Mawson
This article first appeared in End of Times edition of The Cane Toad Times
